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Cop humour.

TOP 10 WAYS YOU KNOW YOU'RE MARRIED TO A COP...

1. When you start an argument, he calls for back-up
2. Refers to bedroom as "The Pokey"
3. Secret desire to see you in a Kevlar nightie
4. Calls farting his "silent alarm"
5. The obvious night-stick reference.
6. You never hear  him say, " OH, Man.... not donuts again !!"
7. Refers to his member as "the ol' breathalyzer!"
8. Stops you in the middle of sex to ask you if you knew how fast you were going.
9. Handcuffs don't turn him on anymore.
10. YES, that IS a gun in his pocket !!!!!

TOP 10 32 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A COP...

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with  me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
13.  I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school.
14.  Bad cop! No Donut!
15.  Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on COPS?
16.  Wow! You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
17.  So...you on the take, or what?
18.  What do you mean "Have I been drinking?"  You're the trained specialist.
19.  Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
20.  Hey, is that a 9mm?  That's nothing compared to the .45 under my shirt.
21.  Is it possible to get you to do one of those "body cavity searches"?
22. Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
23. Wanna race to the station, Sparky?
24. I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
25. On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
26. You'll never get those cuffs on me...
27. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
28. Hey wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
29. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
30. Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
31. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunk 'in Doughnuts has a 3 for 1 special!
32. Fill it up with supreme - and check the oil while you're at it.

TOP 10 SIGNS THE GUY MUGGING YOU HAS NEVER MUGGED BEFORE...

1.  After taking your money, he asks if you want a receipt.
2. In addition to wearing a ski mask, he's got skis and poles.
3. Asks you to hold his gun while he puts on some Chap Stick.
4. When he's done, he says, "That was fun! Now you mug me!"
5. You're a police officer in full uniform standing right in front of the station house surrounded by fellow officers with assault rifles.
6. When you yell, "Stop, thief," he does.
7. During police line-up, he waves to you and shouts, "Remember me?"
8. Tells you he wouldn't be doing this if Love Boat hadn't been canceled.
9. He keeps saying, "You understand I'm doing this for the baby and Marla."
10. He Accepts IOUs.

  • You have the bladder capacity of five people

  • You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience

  • You believe that 25% of people are a waste of protoplasm

  • Your idea of a good time is a robbery at shift change

  • You call for a records check on anyone that is friendly toward you

  • You think it is perfectly normal to discuss dismemberment over a gourmet meal

  • You can identify a negative "tattoo to tooth" ratio just by looking at a person

  • You correlate "two beers" with 0.15 BAC

  • You find humor in other people's stupidity

  • You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac

  • You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see

  • You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance

  • You believe that a "shallow gene pool" should be grounds for an arrest

  • You believe that the Government should require a permit to reproduce

  • You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, it sure is

  • quiet around here"

  • You refer to your nightstick as your "Dork Slayer"

  • You believe that chocolate is a food group

  • You take it as a compliment when someone calls you a prick

  • You have wanted to hold a seminar on "Suicide, getting it right the first time"

  • You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a valid jury verdict

  • You have had to put a complainant on hold, while you laugh uncontrollably

  • You have wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to a particular bar

  • You believe the dispatcher is possessed

  • You think caffeine should be available in I.V. form

  • You're not referring to food when you mention vegetables

  • You believe that the holding cell should come with a Valium saltlick

  • You have heard: "I have no idea how that got there," on more than a few occasions

  • You suddenly realize one night that you are patrolling the Twilight Zone

  • You have learned a lot about paranoia, simply by following random cars around in

  • your patrol car

  • You believe that it is a "good" death only if it involves overtime

  • you have to check to make sure your weapon is "ready to rock n' roll" before using a public restroom

  • you read your wife the Miranda warning whenever she says "we need to talk"

  • you can tell the severity of an accident just by hearing the sirens

  • you have co-workers that pay more in child support and alimony every month than you make in a year

..............

nothing to say.